apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
