insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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