Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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