Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
