take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
