Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
