Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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