4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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