I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
