Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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