Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
