i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Randomize
