I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
