so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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