i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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