i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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