Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
