I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I have fence marks all over my body
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
