thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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