you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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