i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
