the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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