Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
