I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
