now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
