a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
