They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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