I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
