I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
