My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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