Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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