I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
