my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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