i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
