Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
