my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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