Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
