Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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