dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Randomize
