mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
