She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
