She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
