Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
