you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Banned from zoo.
Again?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
