im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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