I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
