I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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