Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
