i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
