do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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